Report From the Frontlines of the War on Christmas

News Anchor Linda Montgomery: Tonight, breaking news in the War on Christmas — reports of fresh attacks on the meaning of the season. Our reporter, Brett Whiplash, is embedded on the front line, and we have him live with us. Brett, can you hear me?

Brett Whiplash: Yes, I can.

Linda: Tell us where you are.

Brett: I’m here at the Willow Wallow City Mall in the center of town, and I’ve been walking in and out of the stores here and —

Linda: And let me guess. You’re only hearing “Happy Holidays,” right? Nobody is wishing you a “Merry Christmas”?

Brett: Ummm, well no. Plenty of salespersons have wished me a “Merry Christmas.” That’s not been a problem at all. In fact —

Linda: Ahh, but I bet they’re not playing any religious Christmas music, are they? It’s all reindeers and Santa, right?

Brett: Actually, I hear “Silent Night” on the mall loudspeakers right now, as I speak. I’ve heard an impressive number of carols that —

Linda: I’m surprised, Brett. I thought you had breaking news about the War on Christmas. I thought you were going to report that there was a new assault on the season.

Brett: But there is, Linda! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’ve spent all afternoon here and all I’ve seen is a mall full of stressed, anxious, and fearful people rushing in and out of stores, spending ungodly amounts of money in an effort to appease their children, parents, and extended family members. Everywhere I look, I see unhappy people, frightened people, busy people. They’re in such a hurry that they don’t even take the time to speak to each other. That doesn’t seem to me to be the “Christmas spirit.” If Jesus was born to be the Prince of Peace, well frankly I don’t see a lot of peace out here.

Another disturbing thing I’m seeing — as people walk through the mall, they’re busy looking at their phones, and we’ve had a number of collisions, spills, and mishaps as people have run into each other while occupied with updating their Facebook status. Those incidents have made people even grumpier than normal, and I’ve heard some raised voices. Once again, we seem to be missing “peace on earth, good will towards all.”

Not only that, but as people pass through the doors out to the parking lot, they pass a number of homeless people. They hardly take the time to even look at them. I thought Christmas was a time of giving and generosity, particularly to those in need. And yet most of the people I see out here aren’t paying any attention to those in need. It doesn’t make sense!

I’ve never seen such a Christ-less Christmas, to be honest. The rush to buy and consume, the greediness, the stress and the anxiety, the busy-ness and commotion —  surely this is not how we’re supposed to celebrate Christmas. This cannot be what Jesus wanted. This just can’t be the way it’s supposed to be. It’s horrible, Linda, a real travesty!

Linda: Well at least the salespeople are saying “Merry Christmas” again! That’s a huge relief. By the way, what can you tell us about this year’s Starbucks coffee cup? Does it use the phrase “Merry Christmas” or something pagan like “Season’s Greetings”?

Brett: What? I don’t, uh, I don’t know … really, that seems beside the point —

Linda: Thank you for your brave reporting, Brett. It’s great to hear that Christmas is back. We have President Trump to thank for that, don’t you think?

Brett: No, actually I don’t —

Linda: That was our investigative reporter, Brett Whiplash, on assignment on the frontlines of the War on Christmas. Next up, a report from the border where refugee terrorists are being turned back before they can wreak destruction in our country. But first, a word from our sponsor …